it-just-doesnt-matter

It doesn’t matter …

June, 2020

Singing of the birds woke me up on the beautiful morning on my birthday. I dressed my body and went downstairs.

On the small white shelf in the bright hallway of the house, where I had an apartment, there was a surprise waiting for me. A present. A birthday present. A flower, box of chocolates and a note. I instantly knew from who the present was, without even reading the note written by hand.

I stood still there for few moments, staring at those things in front of me. Ok, what is really going on here? Why would she after all the things said and done, give me a birthday present? What is she up to now?

The peace inside of me was slowly dissolving away. My mind opened its eyes and woke up.

I took a few deep breaths and start to just observe my minds reactions, worries and comments. I knew that by doing this, my mind will eventually stop. Stop doing its job and go to sleep again. I was practing this since I have acknowledged, that I am not my mind, that my mind is just a little part of me, doing its job perfectly. That my mind is not trying to hurt me, that it is not my enemy, as I was convinced for a long time. That is just protecting me, based on the past experiences I had.

At first there were a lot of words coming from my mind, about why she possible would give me the present. She wants something from you, she wants to take advantage of you, she will play dirty again with you, she will be mean to you, she will hurt you and don’t you even try to eat those chocolates, she might has done something with them..  you know what she did with your toothbrush.. Did you forget? Or maybe she..

My mind just didn’t shut up. It was trying to convince me, that the dark clouds and big storm is approaching again in my life, because of that person and because of the present I received from her.

Well, I was impressed about all the possible reasons and justifications given from my mind. Wao, nice, but I was not afraid of that person anymore. By that time I already knew, that I am the only one who can hurt myself, if I choose to be hurt. So I was listening to my mind, without any comments and interferences. I was just an interesting point of view about everything.

But this time something was different. My mind just wouldn’t stop like it usually did other times. There was something else there. I could perceived it. And suddenly clarity, knowing, wisdom..

These following words literally fell out of my mouth:

“It doesn’t matter! It really doesn’t matter why she gave me the present! It doesn’t matter! My dear mind it is ok, everything is well, don’t worry, thank you, but it doesn’t matter..”

A quiet voice from my mind after few moments.. maybe she has changed, maybe she become a nice person, maybe she wants to be friend with you, maybe she gave you the present because she realy likes you now.. maybe..

“Stop.. Dear mind, I don’t care why she gave me the present. It doesn’t matter, if she is having any kind of agenda regarding me and this present she gave me, it doesn’t matter. Everything just is. No good, no bad.. It doesn’t matter, if there is going to be a storm or sunshine, it doesn’t matter. And everything is just an experience. I am grateful for her present, I am grateful for her, the rest doesn’t matter.

Anyway she is giving me the most precious gifts so far and she hasn’t even realised that yet. And yes, dear mind I am grateful for you, I love you. Thank you. You have done a wonderful job all this time. Now is time for me to take over. Everything is ok, dear mind. You can relax now. I will call you when ever I will require your assistance. I promise you that.”

Silence, space, peace, gratitude, compassion, release, sense of freedom..

Something has changed, I have shifted something and put my mind back to sleep for longer run this time.

I took the birthday present to my apartment and went out on the fresh air, knowing that my mind will occasionally by it self wake up again, but only for few moments, because now it knows. It knows that

– It just doesn’t matter!-

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