it-doesnt-matter

It doesn’t matter …

June 2020

The singing of the birds woke me up on a beautiful morning on my birthday. I dressed my body and went downstairs.

On the small white shelf in the bright hallway of the house, where I had an apartment, there was a surprise waiting for me. A present. A birthday present. A flower, a box of chocolates and a note. I instantly knew from who the gift was, without even reading the message written by hand.

I stood still there for few moments, staring at those things in front of me. Ok, what is going on here? Why would she, after all the things said and done, give me a birthday present? What is she up to now?

The peace inside of me was slowly dissolving away. My mind opened its eyes and woke up.

I took a few deep breaths and started to observe my mind’s reactions, worries, and comments. I knew that by doing this, my mind would eventually stop. Stop doing its job and go to sleep again.

I was practicing this since I have acknowledged that I am not my mind, that my mind is just a tiny part of me, doing its job perfectly. That my mind is not trying to hurt me is not my enemy, as I was convinced for a long time. That is just protecting me, based on the past experiences I had.

At first, many words came from my mind about why she possibly would give me the present.

“She wants something from you; she wants to take advantage of you; she will play dirty again with you; she will be mean to you; she will hurt you, and don’t you even try to eat those chocolates. She might have done something with them…  you know what she did with your toothbrush… Did you forget? Or maybe she…”

My mind just didn’t shut up. It was trying to convince me that the dark clouds and a big storm are approaching again in my life, because of that person and because of the present I received from her.

Well, I was impressed by all the possible reasons and justifications given from my mind. Wao, nice, but I was not afraid of that person anymore.

By that time, I already knew that I am the only one who can hurt myself if I choose to be hurt. So I was listening to my mind, without any comments and interferences. It was just an interesting point of view about everything.

But this time, something was different. My mind wouldn’t stop like it usually did other times. There was something else there. I could perceive it. And suddenly clarity, my knowing, wisdom.

The following words fell out of my mouth:

“It doesn’t matter! It doesn’t matter why she gave me the present! It doesn’t matter! My dear mind, it is ok, everything is well, don’t worry, thank you, but it doesn’t matter..”

A quiet voice from my mind after few moments: “Maybe she has changed, perhaps she becomes a nice person, perhaps she wants to befriend you, maybe she gave you the present because she likes you now. Maybe…”

“Stop, dear mind. I don’t care why she gave me the present. It doesn’t matter, and if she has any kind of agenda regarding me and this present she gave me, it doesn’t matter. Everything just is. No good, no bad… It doesn’t matter.

If there is going to be a storm or sunshine, it doesn’t matter. And everything is just an experience. I am grateful for her present, and I am thankful for her. The rest doesn’t matter.

Anyway, she is giving me the most precious gifts so far, and she hasn’t even realized that yet. And yes, dear mind, I am grateful for you. I love you. Thank you. You have done an excellent job all this time. Now is time for me to take over.

Everything is ok, dear mind. You can relax now. I will call you whenever I require your assistance. I promise you that.”

Silence, space, peace, gratitude, compassion, release, sense of freedom.

Something has changed. I have shifted something and put my mind back to sleep for a longer run this time.

I took the birthday present to my apartment and went out in the fresh air, knowing that my mind will occasionally come by itself wake up again, but only for few moments because now it knows.

It knows that I am the boss and that:

It just doesn’t matter!


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