Yes, you read the title right. Those of you who know me well know that I worked for Access, that I lived for Access for almost five whole years. I shared it with other people, between those who wanted it and those who I wanted to like it. Well, that last one doesn’t exactly work the best, as I found out. ;))
Many of you have wondered why I don’t do this anymore. The time has come to share with you why I said goodbye to Access Consciousness™ and where I have gone, hiding from the public for almost two years.
For me, Access Consciousness™ has been priceless, holy, and my savior. That was my perspective at the time.
Even though Access was my baby, my child, the love of my life, while I was at Access, I was involved in other things and new age methods until I came across dear Adamus.
I didn’t always get what I was looking for at Access. I needed more clarity and more information for my personal growth. So for three years, I combined Access and dear Adamus, who did not teach us spirituality like all the other teachers and gurus. But that is another story.
Doing so was an excellent combination, and I continued to enjoy leading and attending Access workshops.
The year 2020 was upon us, and I could hardly wait for the date of my departure to Vienna for Dain’s SOP seminar. I knew there would be a huge turning point, a huge change. What it would be like, I had no idea at the time.
So, I went to Vienna. It was there that the first signs started to pop up that my Access relationship was ending. I didn’t realize it at that time, of course.
At the seminar, I was brilliant for the first two days. Let me clarify; I was glowing in the sense that I was utterly Me in every sense for the first time. My happiness and blissful state were crushed, if I can call it that, by the teacher himself – Dain.
Interestingly, he always came to greet and hug me in all of his seminars. And by the way, to satisfy your curiosity. The answer, dear ladies, to your question is – no. Physically, we have always been just friends.
Well, this time, he was avoiding me in a big way. As if I were contagious. I was, of course, disappointed and surprised by his behavior. I was sure he would be proud of me for being in such a wonderful state – completely Me. My mind attacked me with guilt and reproach, that I obviously hadn’t progressed enough, that the teacher wasn’t happy with me, that I was wrong. Hahaha. This situation is probably very familiar to you.
Dain came to say hello on the last day. His hug was cold, and it would have been much better if he had not come to me. I realized what was going on about three months later, and after that, I almost finally took responsibility for everything that was happening in my life. But that is another story.
Let me continue…
On the way home to Ljubljana, I was filled with bitterness, and Dain’s words echoed in my head that the truth about Access would be revealed this year. During the seminar, Dain had also made an SOP on Access Consciousness™, and he somehow got this information while communicating with it. But what the hell is the truth? It was also interesting that no one in my group remembered this sentence of Dain’s while we were talking, other than me.
The car stopped. We arrived in Ljubljana. I took my bag, went to my car’s parking lot, and started driving home. It was about half-past two in the morning. I was alone on the road and met no other vehicles. I turned into a significant crossroad. Alone. The yellow lights at all the traffic lights were flashing. I cannot describe precisely what I felt at that moment and what was happening to me.
I was horrified. It was like something out of a science fiction movie. Those flashing lights, empty roads, not a soul to be seen, and darkness on top of that. A horrible feeling of an end overwhelmed my body. I was aware that something was over and that it would never be the same again. I was terrified – fear of the unknown, fear of change.
And believe it or not, I was not mistaken. Four days later, they declared a quarantine for Corona, and I started the most challenging part of my process – my journey. It was the end of the old life for all humans and the end of my most beautiful and magical Awakening.
For a while, I persisted in running Access workshops, which were now online due to the quarantine, but then I couldn’t do it anymore. Every Access tool I wanted to use I couldn’t even pronounce anymore. I felt sick.
The same thing was happening with the body processes. I couldn’t do them anymore. I became intensely aware of what dear Adamus reminded us repeatedly, that everything I see, hear, and feel is just my energy.
I was confused; I could say desperate. I began losing what I loved to do and live for – Access Consciousness™ – step by step. What was killing me the most, and for a long time, was guilt. That I had disappointed, betrayed, and somehow let down my two favorite teachers, Haris and Dain, who believed in me. This period was challenging and f…… hard – to die for! And that’s because I was scared and refused the change.
I finally gave in and stopped fighting with myself when Bojan came to visit me one day and asked me if I could do Bars for him for ten minutes. With a heavy heart, I agreed and put my hands on his head. I felt a great weight in my whole body, and suddenly my hands moved away from Bojan’s head with such speed that I got scared.
After that, I said enough to myself and decided to end Access Consciousness™ for good. The goodbye was killing me. I re-lived the best moments Access had given me and cried as I gathered all the material, everything that had accumulated over the years from Access, into a pile and took it away.
Two days later, crystal clarity came and put me to bed for a whole week. My body was going through an exhausting process because it had to balance all my new insights somehow.
One after the other, the realizations were coming. I will mention the ones related to Access.
I realized that the end of Access for me was already in Vienna. Dain served it to me on a platter, and I refused to see it.
Dain came up to me in Milan when we hadn’t even met, taking my hand and pulling me out of the crowd. He held my hand all the time at my most challenging times, and now that I no longer needed his hand, he let it go. I had outgrown Access. I didn’t need it anymore.
That sentence of Dain’s: that the truth about Access would be revealed, was only addressing me. That is why nobody else heard it at all. Hmmm, did Dain say that sentence, or did I say it to myself?
And what is the truth, you will ask…
I realized what had been hiding behind the veil.
In Access, most people are just choosing a better life: more health, more money, more success, more sex, better relationships… but still in a box. To live a better life in a box with limitations. They are still looking for God – the universe outside of themselves. All Access tools and body processes are great, but only to better maneuver within limitations.
Only a small number of us in Access chose what was beyond the box. Yourself. And that’s where you get everything and much, much more than you could ever imagine.
Access is a system filled with manipulation, competition, control, and power. Where is Consciousness???? In Consciousness, there is none of that. No power whatsoever. No need for power.
Interestingly, Dain hinted this to me the first month we met. We bumped into each other in a dream, and he said to me with a smile on his face, “Nothing is true.” He winked, turned around, and walked to the Access managers.
When I woke up that morning, I was frightened of what had just happened in my dreams. Why does Dain say that to me? Then what is it true? Do I imagine things? Am I crazy???? Of course, I shared my dream with my dear friend Ksenja, who reassured me that I was not crazy. She had nothing to say about the dream, though.
Well, that’s my truth about Access in a few words. I am truly grateful to Access Consciousness™ that which was a big part of my Awakening.
My Awakening ended; it was the end of all learning and processing. All that was left for me was letting go, the final integrations of Self, and a few visits from my Dragon. Yes, I needed time to myself. To be alone with Self.